Having Good Manners and Forgiving

What do we do when we need to discuss a problem with our spouse? Maybe our feelings have been hurt or we disagree with something they are doing. These grievances are likely to happen frequently in our marriage so it might be helpful to have some tools to help in these situations. The following is a list given by John M. Gottman in his book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work and can help us as we try and manage conflict in our marriage:

1. Soften your startup. Our spouse will be more open to what we’re saying if we aren’t yelling.
2. Learn to make and receive repair attempts. Try and keep things light and listen for their attempts to do the same.
3. Soothe yourself and each other. Recognize when you both may need to take a break and calm down. Meditate, exercise, read a book, etc.
4. Compromise or be willing to give and take. We can’t have everything our way.
5. Process any grievances so that they don’t linger. If possible, don’t let conflicts build-up until we explode.

This list teaches us some good skills. It teaches us, basically, to have good manners. When we treat our spouse (and kids) like intruders, they feel the need to be defensive. We should instead treat them like the honored guests they should be.  

No one is perfect. We will all need to be forgiven. When our third child was in fourth grade one of his friends lost their temper and whipped his jacket at my son. The zipper on the jacket struck my son’s temple, causing immediate pain and resulted in the loss of a lot of blood. I was called to the school to help my son and to assess if the wound needed stitches. Prior to getting to the school my son and his friend had an exchange that was very moving to his teacher. My son’s friend had gotten in some trouble for causing this injury to my son but what was so moving was how my son immediately forgave him. My son couldn’t bare his friend getting in trouble or feeling sad so he made sure he knew he was okay and even gave him a hug, telling him that he forgave him. Both of the boys were crying at this point as was their teacher who was watching this exchange, concealed by the classroom door. His teacher told me he would never forget this example of forgiveness and even got emotional when he recounted this experience to me. We were all blessed by my son’s willingness to forgive and we were all shown the example of how we should be. No wonder we are trying to be more childlike.

Can we freely forgive our spouses when they aren’t perfect or injure us? Can we have good manners toward them, handling our conflicts in the best way possible? What a difference this would make!

Reference

Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2015). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work (Revised). New York: Harmony Books.