In-laws and Finances

            Fun topics! Many a marriage has been negatively affected by spouses having different views on how to handle relationships with in-laws and extended families, as well as finances. I feel very blessed in this regard, yet I know that they are touchy subjects, even between my husband and I at times. When my husband and I were first dating and he came to pick me up it was in a hole in the wall temporary home that we affectionately called “the stinky house”. My dad had just been in a motorcycle accident and we needed to be closer to the hospital while our new house was being built so we took the first one offered us. I knew my husband was a keeper because he didn’t mind our humble home and said that meeting my family sealed the deal that I was the one for him. He liked my family from the start and could tell my parents would be good to be related to. How grateful I am for that!

            Even though he loved my family, there were some differences between us. I was raised in a home that if you really wanted something you should go for it, we only live once after all. My husband was raised moving yearly because they couldn’t keep a job or support themselves. Because of this, my husband is a big saver and doesn’t spend frivolously. I love this about him and have tried to adopt his saving ways. Elder L. Tom Perry said:

“The current cries we hear coming from the great and spacious building tempt us to compete for ownership in the things of this world. We think we need a larger home, with a three-car garage, a recreational vehicle parked next to it. We long for designer clothes, extra TV sets, all with VCRs, the latest model computers, and the newest car. Often these items are purchased with borrowed money, without giving any thought to providing for our future needs. The result of all this instant gratification is overloaded bankruptcy courts and families that are far too preoccupied with their financial burdens"

All that we have is the Lord’s and we will be held accountable for our stewardship over what the Lord has given us. This includes the financial means we have been given as well as our time and our willingness to serve our family members and our brothers and sisters around us.

Power Relationships in Marriage

“In your family when there is a decision to be made that affects everyone, you and your wife together will seek whatever counsel you might need and together you will prayerfully come to a unified decision. If you ever pull priesthood rank on her, you will have failed in your leadership.”

(Carlfred Broderick, One Heart, One Flesh, pp. 31–32)

Together, a husband and a wife can form a power-relationship. We are stronger when we unitedly make decisions regarding our families. I’m very blessed to be married to a man who seeks to have this kind of marital relationship. We are different in some ways and don’t always think alike but we enjoy finding out what the other thinks. I love it when he asks for my opinion and I try and ask for his often as well. We like to discuss topics together, from finances to kids, to current events and how we feel about them.

Men and women should walk side by side in their relationship. No one takes dominance over the other. When our spouse feels a different way from us we should seek to understand and not just be heard. (Children should also know that although their parents are in charge, they care about their opinions and will listen to what they have to say.)

            President and Sister Hinckley were a great example of how we as spouses should treat each other.  Sister Hinckley said of her husband that he “always let me do my own thing. He never insisted that I do anything his way, or any way, for that matter. From the very beginning he gave me space and let me fly.” President Hinckley said, “Let her develop her own talents. Let her do things her way. Get out of her way, and marvel at what she does.” (Marjorie Pay and Gordon B. Hinckley, Ensign, October 2003, pp. 22, 27) President and Sister Hinckley had a power relationship which was a blessing for them and their posterity.

            I hope to always strive to have this kind of relationship with my husband and to leave behind this kind of legacy for my own children. I hope they can see that being united as a couple is so much better than being divided.

The Blessings of Fidelity

                This week I’d like to share my thoughts of the importance of fidelity in our marriages. Being faithful to our spouses and keeping covenants we have made in the temple leads to blessings we can scarcely imagine. This is why Satan works hard to destroy our marriages and to lead us off the covenant path. The media portrays love in very lustful ways which can confuse and entice us to seek after those things in our own lives. That is why avoiding these types of books, television shows, or movies, that promote lust, is so important.  Instead we should be filling our lives with things that encourage us to serve our spouses unselfishly and draw us closer to the Lord.

             H. Wallace Goddard, in Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage: Eternal Doctrines that Change Relationships, gave ten helpful suggestions for married couples to be strong against temptation pertaining to fidelity.

They are:

1. Do not allow the seeds of lust to germinate. Goddard suggests not entertaining fantasies in our minds about other persons and not viewing entertainment that promotes lust in any way.

2. Never make excuses to spend time alone with a person of the opposite sex who is not your spouse. We should be careful of even the appearance of evil.

3. Take responsibility for the messages that you give. You do not have the right to be “cute” or flirty with anyone but your spouse.

4. Do not allow your heart to dwell on anyone. Push daydreaming of any person but your spouse out of your mind promptly. If you are worried for their well-being, pray for them and then leave their care to the Lord and others.

5. If you find yourself making excuses for continuing the relationship, you are addicted. Get help. Turn to your Bishop or Stake President. Confide in others who can help you.

6. Spend more enjoyable time with your spouse. Go on dates each week and help the spark ignite again in your own marriage.

7. Renew your spiritual efforts. Fill your empty places with service, scripture study, and love for your family.

8. Don’t set yourself up for failure. Have the rule that you’re never alone with a member of the opposite sex.

9. Keep your soul free of the soul-numbing barrenness of pornography. Pornography estranges us from our spouses and the Spirit in our lives.

10. Celebrate the sweet gift of companionship. Recognize how your spouse trusts you with their heart and realize the blessing this is.

              When I was in young women’s growing up our leaders encouraged us to make a plan prior to temptation. To know what we would and would not do. (Elder Gary E. Stephenson called it a “priesthood playbook” in his April, 2019 conference address.) Having rules pertaining to the opposite sex in place makes it so when a situation arises we don’t have to even think about it. Goddard’s suggestions are a good list of rules and I know that following them can help us to win the battle over Satan in our lives and marriages. Keeping these rules can bring us peace and lead us to the joy our Father in Heaven desires for us.    

           References

Goddard, H.W. (2007). Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage. Fairfax, VA: Meridian Publishing

Stephenson, Gary (2019) Your Priesthood Playbook. https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/general-conference/2019/04/31stevenson?lang=eng

Book Review

This week I want to post what the central theme of H. Wallace Goddard’s book Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage is. This book has impacted me more than I ever imagined it would. It has the power within its pages to help us to become new creatures through encouraging us to rely on the Atonement of Jesus Christ. Following Goddard’s counsel would be a blessing to us and to our marriages. Goddard said: “The natural man is inclined to love himself and fix others. God has asked us to do the opposite. We are to fix ourselves by repenting, and to love others.” Often we want to focus on the shortcomings of our spouse but this author suggests that the only way to help others to change is to accept and love them for who they are. As we love and accept our spouses, and show constant kindness to them, change naturally will happen; within us and them. Seeing the good only in our spouses isn’t always easy to do. Even last night (after reading on charity) I pointed out a flaw in my husband instead of showing compassion and love to him. He did not appreciate it and I felt terrible afterwards. I love this quote by Harry Emerson Fosdick that Goddard includes in his book several times: “Fill us with Thyself, that we may no longer be a burden to ourselves.”  I have so far to go… but by seeking every day to let the Savior Jesus Christ more in my life I can be filled with Him. He can help me become a better daughter of God and a better wife. President Benson said: “May we be convinced that Jesus is the Christ, choose to follow Him, be changed for Him, captained by Him, consumed in Him, and born again I pray in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.”

Goddard’s message in this book is opposite what the world is saying. The world says to seek only for your own happiness and pleasure because no one else will if you don’t. But this approach is very flawed. Goddard said: “The modern dilemma is ironic. We are devoted to finding happiness-and we are seeking happiness in ways that guarantee emptiness.” What brings real happiness is turning our lives over to Christ and becoming new creatures. We have been given weaknesses in this life so we have to rely on Him. These weaknesses are very apparent in marriage. In fact, Goddard refers to marriage as “God’s Finishing School” where we are stretched and refined. So if our marriages are struggling (and obviously not all marriages can be saved, but...), instead of assuming divorce is our only answer, look to the Savior’s example. Love your spouse and see in them the Child of God that they are. Because, as Goddard stated, “the messages of research and the gospel are the same: We should enjoy and appreciate our partners. We should forgive them of their humanness. The single most promising marriage-fixing effort is not tinkering with our partners’ characters; it is in loving, cherishing, and appreciating them!”

I highly recommend this book to anyone who is human. Read it, you won’t regret it. Your marriage, like mine, will be strengthened as you try (and fail and try again) to apply the principles taught in it.

References

Goddard , H.W. (2007). Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage. Fairfax, VA: Meridian Publishing.

Having Good Manners and Forgiving

What do we do when we need to discuss a problem with our spouse? Maybe our feelings have been hurt or we disagree with something they are doing. These grievances are likely to happen frequently in our marriage so it might be helpful to have some tools to help in these situations. The following is a list given by John M. Gottman in his book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work and can help us as we try and manage conflict in our marriage:

1. Soften your startup. Our spouse will be more open to what we’re saying if we aren’t yelling.
2. Learn to make and receive repair attempts. Try and keep things light and listen for their attempts to do the same.
3. Soothe yourself and each other. Recognize when you both may need to take a break and calm down. Meditate, exercise, read a book, etc.
4. Compromise or be willing to give and take. We can’t have everything our way.
5. Process any grievances so that they don’t linger. If possible, don’t let conflicts build-up until we explode.

This list teaches us some good skills. It teaches us, basically, to have good manners. When we treat our spouse (and kids) like intruders, they feel the need to be defensive. We should instead treat them like the honored guests they should be.  

No one is perfect. We will all need to be forgiven. When our third child was in fourth grade one of his friends lost their temper and whipped his jacket at my son. The zipper on the jacket struck my son’s temple, causing immediate pain and resulted in the loss of a lot of blood. I was called to the school to help my son and to assess if the wound needed stitches. Prior to getting to the school my son and his friend had an exchange that was very moving to his teacher. My son’s friend had gotten in some trouble for causing this injury to my son but what was so moving was how my son immediately forgave him. My son couldn’t bare his friend getting in trouble or feeling sad so he made sure he knew he was okay and even gave him a hug, telling him that he forgave him. Both of the boys were crying at this point as was their teacher who was watching this exchange, concealed by the classroom door. His teacher told me he would never forget this example of forgiveness and even got emotional when he recounted this experience to me. We were all blessed by my son’s willingness to forgive and we were all shown the example of how we should be. No wonder we are trying to be more childlike.

Can we freely forgive our spouses when they aren’t perfect or injure us? Can we have good manners toward them, handling our conflicts in the best way possible? What a difference this would make!

Reference

Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2015). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work (Revised). New York: Harmony Books.  

Pride vs Humility

Pride and humility are like two sides of a coin. When I flip that coin, how it lands determines how I think, feel, and act toward myself and others. When it’s heads, or the pride side wins, I say or think things like, “I’m right, you’re wrong”, “I’m better than you”, and “I got this handled on my own”. When it’s tails, or humility wins, I might say or think things like, “What can I learn from you”, “How am I playing a part in this conflict” and “I wonder what their perspective is on this”. But it isn’t just a random flip of a coin, I choose each day which I am going to be and how I will treat my spouse. Will I keep that pride side up or will I work and pray diligently to turn it over, and myself over to the Lord?

A more realistic analogy to pride is that of a plague, with humility being the antidote that can cure us. I wish I could say I hadn’t been infected by it, but unfortunately it is rampant, even in me. It affects our individual lives and our marriages. President Ezra Taft Benson said: “The antidote for pride is humility- meekness, submissiveness (see Alma 7:23). It is the broken heart and contrite spirit… God will have a humble people. Either we can choose to be humble or we can be compelled to be humble… Let us choose to be humble… We can choose to humble ourselves by conquering enmity toward our brothers and sisters, esteeming them as ourselves, and lifting them as high or higher than we are.”  

This isn’t always an easy thing to do, especially when it goes against our very natures. H. Wallace Goddard says: “The modern dilemma is ironic. We are devoted to finding happiness- and we are seeking happiness in ways that guarantee emptiness.” (Sounds like Satan knows what he’s doing.) “The natural man is inclined to love himself and fix others. God has asked us to do the opposite. We are to fix ourselves by repenting, and to love others.” Can we adopt God’s ways and put off our natural man tendencies?

We need to act and change. The plague of pride has hurt many people and left many marriages in shambles. Too often we hear of people wondering if they had ever loved their spouse when really it was their pride speaking. Goddard said of an interaction with a friend: “My heart ached. He had thrown away decades of heavenly blessings because of his current unhappiness. He had re-written history with wifely disappointment as its theme. Satan had robbed him of past, present, and future. At the center of Satan’s mischief was pride- that enmity that makes us enemies to each other.”

We must turn ourselves over to the Lord so He can make out of us, and our marriages, something new and something better. We must act in humility and not pride. Our Father knows this is what will bring lasting happiness and peace. As we try and do this we will see with new eyes and go forward with a new purpose. His purpose.  

Goddard, H. W. (2009). Drawing heaven into your marriage: Eternal Doctrines that Change Relationships. Cedar Hills, UT: Joymap Publishing.

Are we turning toward our spouses each day?

Hanging on our fridge for the past 17 ½ years is a magnet that we were given by our Stake President right before we got married. On the magnet, and in the middle of a big red heart, are the words: “Never, no never forget these words of a living Prophet… (and then he quotes President Gordon B. Hinckley)
 “If you will make your first concern the comfort, the well-being and the happiness of your companion, sublimating any personal concern to that loftier goal, you will be happy, and your marriage will go on through eternity.”
Trying to follow this counsel through the years has been a blessing to our marriage. I'm so grateful for the examples of strong marriages, like President and Sister Hinckley, and for the counsel of our Church leaders.



Are his/her needs and wants our top priorities?
Making our spouse's  comfort, well-being and happiness our first concern is turning toward them (Gottman). Honoring their wishes above anyone else’s is turning toward them. Some ways I try and stay turned toward my spouse are: making sure we go on a weekly date night, looking for the good IN him and always speaking good OF him, praying for him, trying to see things from his perspective, and expressing appreciation for the things he does for our family. I turn away from my spouse when: I let other things (people, interests, hobbies) take precedence over him, speak badly of him, and by only noticing his weaknesses and the things that annoy me.



When he/she needs us, are we there?
An opportunity I have currently to turn toward my spouse is by asking my mom if we can celebrate Christmas as an extended family on a different day besides Christmas Eve, which is something we typically do. My husband has suggested we change this tradition because he would really like to have Christmas Eve with just me and our kids so we can start some new family traditions together. He still wants to get together with my family, just not on Christmas Eve. I’m a little nervous about talking to mom about this since we've gotten together with my parents and siblings on Christmas Eve for years, but I want to put my husband first and honor his wishes. By being willing to put his needs first I am turning toward my husband. Ignoring or pushing aside his wants would be turning away from him.

A good thing to ask ourselves...
Am I turning toward, or away, from my spouse today?


(Gottman, JM and Silver, N (2015) The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work)